Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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