the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
