The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
