It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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