Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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