Please don't use social media to get back at me.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
