I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
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