i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
