Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just threw up on my dentist
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
