Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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