Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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