Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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