textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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