There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i will never coherently bang her
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You need Xanax blowdarts
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
