Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
