Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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