yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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