Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
