I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
