Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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