Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
