another moral hangover. fuck.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
