i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
