You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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