even my farts smell like vagina
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
