I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Even my vagina gasped.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
