i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize