What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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