The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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