I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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