did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Randomize
