____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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