All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
