Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
