Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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