wrigley field is MILF paradise
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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