Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
