it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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