you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
