i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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