Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
