don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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