Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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