Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Randomize
