Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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