you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
