i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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