Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
