JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
