Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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