If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
