I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
