I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i love accidental penises.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
