K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
