life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize