pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
