you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
