how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I have aggressive nipples.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
