I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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